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Hi, I need help to rewrite my essay. Please take a look at my professors comment
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I need help to rewrite my essay. Please take a look at my professors comments below.
The copy of Jane Austen’s novel I have used is:
Austen, Jane. Pride and Prejudice. Wordsworth, 1992.
The feedback I have received from my professor is as follwowing:
You struggled to define your research topic clearly, but have now, after receiving feedback, settled on a feminist approach with a focus on the protagonist’s feminist qualities. This is one of the criteria for passing:
have an independently* selected a research topic, research object or research question that is clearly formulated, defined, and delimited
The second criterion involves demonstrating the ability to apply suitable methods and theoretical concepts as well as previous research to construct an analysis of the text, which you now do, although the section on feminist theory is rather thin. As I suggested at the ventilation, Wollstonecraft’s essay (the essay itself, not a quote about it) would have been a good place to start.
The third criterion involves demonstrating the ability to relate the chosen topic to relevant* previous research and to cite and document sources following the appropriate conventions for citation and documentation. Here, there is a problem, since some of the sources that you have used and quoted from are not appropriate for an academic essay. For example, you have quoted a senior essay (a secondary student’s work) and use sources that are about a different Austen novel (Tahboub) and whose English is so weak as to make the quotations incomprehensible. (I am referring to Zhou and Wan.) It is important that you are able to discern the relevance and quality of a source. It is also important to use quotations properly, but there are cases of quotations being cut off mid sentence (p.7), taken out of context (p.9, 20, 24, 31), lacking parenthetical reference to the author of the quotation (p.12), and incorrect use of quotation marks when there is a quote within your quote (p.21 — an indented quotation is already a quotation, so you only need quotation marks to show a quote within that quote). There is also a problem with the Shay Welch quote on p.16 where you write this: Shay Welch concludes that “Welch concludes that . . ” This cannot be Welch referring to herself.
The fourth criterion has to do with structure. At the ventilation I suggested that you not wait until the end of the first chapter to demonstrate your knowledge of feminist literary theory, which is an important aspect of your analysis. Using encyclopedia/dictionary definitions of feminism is only touching the surface. You would have done well to begin by citing feminist theorists/critics like the ones you read while studying on the course. There are also several sections that lack unity. For example, 2.4, where you also repeat points you have already made.
At the ventilation we talked about leaving out classism and focusing on feminist theory. I recall saying that if the essay was shorter, that would not be a problem. Shorter essays can be very good if the author is concise and to the point. Your essay, however, has become much longer, partly due to repetition.
The final criterion is about language errors that can cause misunderstandings. This occurred on p. 10 (you took a question I posed in the margin and inserted it in such a way that your sentence doesn’t make sense), p. 18 (Elizabeth’s “resistance to feminism”?) and as noted above, in quotations like the one from Wan that don’t make sense:
The Bennet couple is the only old couple described in Pride and Prejudice. There is nothing in common such as personality, savor and hobby between Mr. Bennet and Mrs. Bennet, whose combination was just Mrs. Bennet’s lost beauty . Their marriage without any true feelings is quite miserable, which make [sic] Mr. Bennet never manages to earn the respect of the reader
It gives me no pleasure to have to write that this essay did not meet all the criteria for passing at this level, Ivonne. The revisions required after the ventilation were quite substantial, and you would have done well to take the summer months to work on the final draft. I suggest you do so now, and submit another revision in the first week of August.
Try to eliminate anything that is not relevant to your analysis of Elizabeth’s feminism. There are aspects of your analysis that you had in there from the start, but that are not really relevant now — the part about satire, for example. Be strict with yourself and zero in on what is important to your argument so that the essay stays within 25-30 pages.
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